“Ayusin mo ang pagpili ng mga kaibigan mo!” was something my mom always told me whenever I had to transfer to a different school. I never really thought about it much since I had a naive belief that the right friends would choose me based on how I showed myself to them. As I’ve grown older, I realized I can’t just leave it all up to fate. I can’t just expect every person who chooses to befriend me will be good to me in the long run; I need to choose who’s helpful and who’s not letting me grow. Choosing your friends is a valid responsibility if you want to be surrounded by people who encourage you to keep changing and improving. 

I understand that we don’t have to bear that responsibility alone, that the bad apples we surround ourselves with can also be the ones to blame – but the philosopher Epictetus once taught me to realize the things we can and can’t control in our lives. You can choose to stick around and try to be the change for those people, or realize these bad apples will choose to stay the same.

I didn’t see the reality of our friendship for a long time until someone had to basically sit me down and explain to me how keeping that person in my life was harming everyone else I was friends with.

I once had a friend whom I thought was a good influence in my life; I didn’t realize that in reality they were backstabbing me, and essentially manipulating me. They were changing me in a way that wasn’t the good kind of change. The impact they had on me, from my observations of that time and some feedback from my current friends, was all to benefit them in a way. I didn’t see the reality of our friendship for a long time until someone had to basically sit me down and explain to me how keeping that person in my life was harming everyone else I was friends with. They made me realize that the changes I made for this friend were harming the other friends I had in my life and myself. Changes that pushed me to be more self-centered and self-serving, changes that molded me into a source of validation for them. They pushed me around, talked to me whenever they needed me to do something for them.

Looking back on how I was acting before, it seems like I was a “zombie” without her own thoughts. Those people had their own problems and I don’t deny that I should’ve been more responsible for myself – but that’s exactly why we need to be more responsible in who we do and don’t keep in our lives. We can’t be friends with just anyone and think there won’t be any negative influences arising from them.

It made me realize so many wrongs in the way I was living life and naively making friends…

All of this is to say that you need to be responsible for the people that you choose to surround you. I am not saying you should just leave a friend behind; if you truly believe you could change them with just the right amount of talking, then go for it! But remember to save some of “yourself.” Letting go of people is also scary due to the kind of backlash that might happen: when I had eventually let go of that person, I never felt more alone. It made me realize so many wrongs in the way I was living life and naively making friends, and the rumors that reached fellow classmates and teachers. I couldn’t have survived through it without the friends who truly supported me and the one person, my partner, always being there to push me back up on days I felt like giving up.

Ending things with your friends will always be bittersweet, sometimes I still miss all the friends I lost during that time but I don’t regret it when I remember the reasons why I did it.

Cover art drawn by the author